Fears of Compassion, Part 1: Fear of Expression Compassion Towards Others
“Compassion is not weakness, and concern for the unfortunate is not socialism.” – Hubert H. Humphrey
Despite my ten years of study in psychology and my chosen profession as a therapist, practicing compassion on a continuous basis has been one of my most difficult personal struggles.
As I mentioned in a previous post, compassion, also called “lovingkindness,” is defined as the wish to alleviate or the act of alleviating suffering in another person. While the concept of compassion has been important in eastern culture for millenia, it is just now becoming a serious subject of study in the western world, specifically in the field of psychology. Our explorations thus far seem to indicate that compassion for self, others, and the world is related to a wide variety of positive physical and psychological outcomes. In fact, evidence is mounting that practicing compassion is one of the key factors that can lead to overall health and happiness.
I believe that compassion is the natural response of our true selves when we see someone in pain, yet so few of us feel the freedom to practice compassion openly. This difficulty often arises because people inaccurately perceive what real compassion looks like and often confuse it with being unfailingly kind, always putting others needs before their own, or even being a proverbial “doormat.” As a result, we become disillusioned with the idea of practicing lovingkindness towards others; we develop our own set of experiences and beliefs that prevent us from forming connections with others, displaying vulnerability, and acting in a compassionate manner. By reviewing and dismantling such fears, we can learn to move through them and practice lovingkindness in a more complete manner throughout our lifestyle.
According to compassion researchers, compassion can be broken down into three main categories. Today we will examine the first category: expressing compassion toward others. I will be using items from the Fears of Compassion Scale to help us look at this issue in further depth (Gilbert, McEwan, Matos & Rivis, 2011).
Fear of Expressing Compassion Towards Others
“People will take advantage of me if they see me as too forgiving and compassionate.”
Let’s be clear: compassion does not imply weakness. I sum this up with one of my favorite quotes “Soft, yes. Weak, no.” In fact, allowing yourself to be treated as a doormat is the opposite of compassionate. To truly be compassionate to others, keep in mind that allowing someone to treat you poorly teaches them that this type of behavior is acceptable and even beneficial to them in the real world. This is actually harmful to others and in no way relates to lovingkindness. To practice compassion in a healthier manner, let others know through your words, actions, and presence that you expect to be treated with respect. If you feel as though you have been mistreated, hold the other person accountable by firmly explaining your thoughts and emotions about the situation and seeking resolution. Also practice self-compassion by knowing what your values and boundaries are and standing up for yourself in a way that makes you proud when those boundaries are crossed. Compassion shouldn’t be harmful, but it can definitely be forceful, if necessary.
“I worry that if I am compassionate, vulnerable people can be drawn to me and drain my emotional resources.”
This may, in fact, be true. People who are vulnerable and in need often seem to be able to sense others that are capable of being the “eye in the storm” and can weather their emotional turmoil. If these people are not handled appropriately, they can indeed become a mental and emotional drain. Compassion can help here as well. In this case, compassion denotes keeping a sense of perspective on what is best for yourself and the other person. If you fail to maintain appropriate emotional boundaries, you will end up drained and the other person will never learn the coping skills needed to directly address their own problems in times of crisis. In this case, the most compassionate action is often to practice love through helping the individual connect with their own sense of inner wisdom. Ask them questions that will help them consider what they consider to be the best course of action rather than what you think they should do. Then help them take small steps towards making healthy changes while always emphasizing that their choices and life is their responsibility and nobody else’s. If at any point you feel drained, state this directly in a kind manner and make your personal boundaries clear.
“People need to help themselves rather than waiting for others to help them.”
You’re right, but “helping themselves” may look very different depending on the personal, social, and financial resources that person has available at any given time. Thus, your role in being compassionate towards them changes as well. For one person, being compassionate might mean that you help them to make ends meet financially until they can find a new job. For another, it might be necessary to cut them off financially so that they can enter a period of growth in which they learn to become more responsible for their own well-being. The important thing is that compassionate help always needs to have a foundation based in a sense of perspective and a strong undercurrent of love.
“Being compassionate towards people who have done bad things is letting them off the hook.”
Again, compassion is anything but weak. Being compassionate means showing respect and holding perspective for both others and yourself. In other words, holding someone accountable for their wrongdoing and being compassionate towards that person are not mutually exclusive. For example, if your significant other lacks good communication skills and is constantly starting fights, it is easy to lose compassion for such a person and become angry or hurt. However, you do not have to choose between the polarized decisions of screaming at them or continuing to take their verbal abuse. First, take a moment to gain perspective on the situation. Even if your significant other does lack social skills, isn’t it a little sad that this is the only way they know how to communicate in their most secure and intimate of relationships? Where did they learn these skills? What is being triggered inside of them that they feel the need to start fights? In other words, get curious about their motivations and actions. Ask them in a non-aggressive way about what is going on with them. Later in the talk, you can express your own feelings about your fights and the strong need for things to change. Make sure that you don’t get caught up in their story and ignore your own needs and opinions, which are equally as important as theirs.
Overall, we can see that compassion is more creative and dynamic than it first appears. With a bit of practice, you will learn to more quickly see how compassion can be applied to different situations. This will help you gain a sense of perspective and clarity throughout your life while also spreading positive emotions and helping to bolster your mental and emotional well-being. But keep in mind that this practice is harder at first than it may seem. I suggest starting with small acts of compassion and working your way up.
Want to see how you rate on the fears of compassion? Click the link below to take the Fears of Compassion Scale.
In my next two posts, I will be discussing the other two domains on the scale: Fear of Receiving Compassion from Others & Fear of Expressing Compassion Towards Oneself. See you then!
Works Cited
Gilbert, P., McEwan, K., Matos, M., & Rivis, A. (2011). Fears of compassion: Development of three self‐report measures. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 84(3), 239-255.